immer brennen

doggy years

2012-01-05T06:23:00.000-06:00

two thousand and twelve: the year of the dog.

is that even an option? i don't know. i'm not in china. i'm in thailand. but that is how i know.

fact: thailand is big on dogs.

i'm not at home enough to keep my own, but my neighborhood is crawling with them. we lost one of my favorites today: a pup named pepsi. he was a little scrapper who got bit by a snake about a month ago. some people gave up on him, but he wasn't done getting into trouble. until this morning, that is. i wasn't there, but i guess early this morning he either ran away or was ran over. he may have been one of the dirtier of the whole bunch, but i always liked to see him hanging around my house.

fact: michael vick was unable to bring his team out of the regular season.

i suspect the ghosts of many dogs to be at fault. sure, you can blame his style of play for getting him hurt; or say he is fifteen percent made of glass, so that even the practically full suit of kevlar he wore could only help so much. but the truth is no dog ghost would let him win the super bowl this year.

fact: the first tv series i will watch this year is adventure time with finn and jake.

finn's a human and jake's a dog. i'm a human named jake. need i say more.

i hope not, because i'm out of facts. but here's what i will do for you: two thousand and twelve dogs for the year of the dog.

dog one: pepsi

rip

"i'd carve my face on the moon, so the moon would look like my face." - jake the dog

::fact::

after i posted this, i was kept up till 2am by the ceaseless howling of the neighborhood dogs. i may know too much about this year of the dog thing. i'm sorry if reading this has similar effects for you.

thank you

2011-11-24T18:56:00.001-06:00

I may be a bit late in this Thanksgiving Day post, but better than never, right?

As my Thanksgiving Day started off (yesterday. Sometimes I feel like living in Asia makes me a time traveler.), I wasn't too sure about what to be thankful for. There are the standard, obligatory thanks that must be made for food, shelter, clothing, friends, a peaceful life. Ever now and again, though, that peaceful life has a way of dulling the senses.

I wanted to be thankful for a fulfilling job where I feel like I make a difference and am properly valued.

I wanted to be thankful for my family and friends, with whom I spend and enjoy ample amounts of time.

I wanted to be thankful for being able to challenge myself in new ways and become a better person along the way.

But that peaceful life has come off balance lately.

I love my job here in Thailand as a Peace Corps volunteer, but I feel like I am still unable to do the work that needs to be done for a number of reasons.

I love all my new friends and of course my family. I have even had the chance to catch up with some old friends over the past few weeks, which is great. But I find the limitations I have in life right now keep me from really connecting with people like I want to.

And I'm just a lazy bum as far as the third part goes. I make excuses of working hard and coping with my ongoing adjustment to a new life, but I am a sloth at heart. Oh well.

So I sat watching some students prepare for races at a nearby school and wondered, what could I be thankful for. I chose tomorrow. Not that I want to cycle through the procrastination I tried to perfect in my years as a student. I wanted to say that I am thankful for whatever comes.

Life can be hard; we all know this. The life of a Peace Corps volunteer can be especially hard for a number of reasons. It is on the long list of occupations that seem more like beating your head against a wall than building a path to where we need to go. But for all the beating and sitting and feeling like no improvement is going to happen, there is always tomorrow.

Things are always changing, and I am thankful for being a part of them.

Happy Thanksgiving.

moving

2011-11-12T01:54:00.001-06:00

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck." - Mitch Hedberg

A lot of my friends (well at least one) open posts with quotes. It seems classy.

I've been on the move for a while, never staying more than two years in a spot. Please, don't confuse that with a boast of contest; I know plenty of people move around a lot more often than that. For such nomads of either choice or circumstance, two years might seem like a dream. Nonetheless, it is difficult to get situated, plant roots, buy furniture and such, just to leave a place as soon as it gets that warm, worn in, owned feeling.

I started my motion the autumn after my 18th summer, on my way to college. I stayed at that college for four years, but each year saw a different place to live. Then I moved across the globe to intern for seven months in Germany, only to move back to my familiar college town for almost two more years and just as many houses.

Moving back was nice. Everything was familiar, well known, but still new. I stayed just long enough to make my way out. For being such a small town though, it was strangely hard to leave. One night on the back patio of the place I stayed for my final summer there a couple of my friends and I drew it up in our half drunken imaginations as the first and last place on earth, a veritable collegiate black hole, somehow sucking in the bright stars to enjoy a over simple life. But I somehow escaped.

To do so, I had to pull off one hell of a move: Kansas to Khon Kaen. What's that? You've never heard of either? Don't worry, nobody has really heard of where anybody is from, save for the rare instafriend that must be greeted with much joy, maybe a hug, sharing of drinks or at least lists of known names.

But back to moving: it's rough. I don't know many people who would say they prefer to move, and those who do may be just pulling the wool over their eyes to get that little bit of rest they can't seem to find on the road. For me, the repeated process has made it no easier to uproot. If anything, it has had another odd and opposite effect.

I feel like I can plant anywhere. There are so many fine places to live, fine jobs to employ me, fine things to divert me while i'm wherever 'there' is.

So, am I done moving? I'm not sure. I am currently set to stay here in Thailand for about 17 more months. I think I'll have to tell you in 17 months. . .

vice precedent

2011-10-31T06:59:00.002-05:00

i am nothing if i am not proud. i will go for days on end without something i need if i have to humble myself to get it. i will not ask you questions i should know the answer to. i will wait for ages on the tiny revelations: what is his name? what does that word mean? who is coming with me to this place or that?

this personal flaw has kept me from many things. i never had girlfriends growing up, because i would not bring myself to the weakness i thought it would take to ask them out. i have not bought food in my village very often because i am not sure it will be there.

and that is where i am again tonight. a plate full of rice and nothing else. i made the effort to go look for food, but there was none to be found. every step i took back to my house fell softly to the ground but like a brick to my mind. i fought my pride, and it had won.

they told me i could go down to some other shop and look for food. yeah, right. i just walked home, defeated.

they say i am getting skinny.

maybe i should just go shopping somewhere else.

heavy hands hit hardest in the night

like mountains standing ready for a fight

in the distance waiting for the day

when like secrets open for display

they burden the eyes and the minds

of those who do not look but who do find

the heavy hands are in fact their own

the hits accustomed to they've grown

you don't have to do this

2011-10-18T11:06:00.001-05:00

no country for oldmen

the land is softerhere than it was at home

or maybe I never tookit into my hands there

the clouds looksofter too

or maybe I never sawthem at home

I am a child

sometimes I believe Iam alone

I often believe I amalone

the stories I haveheard once filled me with joy and hope

today they fill mewith regret because I cannot see them for anything other than what they are

they are stories toldme

not to be believed

but to entertain

to divert

from what

I do not know

what do I know

I can only hope to begood

to make my ownstories

true stories

for joy

and

hope

if happiness

2011-10-05T09:11:00.000-05:00

quiet

morning

holy

moment

if you could draw happiness, or mold it with some clay, what form would your dead hands make? and where would they take you? i hear so many people talk about their lives in terms of happiness and hope, purpose and position. this person wants a better job, and that person a friend. he wants her, and she wants them.

well i want to be well.

if happiness was measured in my smile, i may be disappointed. if it was in every moment my work was challenging, efficient or fulfilling, i could be lost.

but it is in my waking. it is in my sticking to my task, fighting apathy and boredom with so many sticks of courage given to me by the subtle reminders that life is good: the floating clouds, the soft breeze, friendships near and far, food on my plate, the sun's warmth.

it is only too often that i blind myself to these things, either by fold or lid. the folds come in many colors, but the darker ones are always stronger. the people i cannot trust. the lies i let myself believe. but even when they are absent, i sometimes close myself off to those whisperers of wisdom. the sun is too hot for my taste, the food unappetizing, friends too near or far, the breeze too soft to cool or move, the clouds are just reminders that beauty is ever fleeting.

if happiness had hands to slap me, if she could reach out to touch my shoulder, wake me with her clap or gentle nudge, i would never have to do the deed myself. but she is afforded no such tools or powers of manifestation. i am left yet another job: to keep myself awake for her.

chocolate teddy grahams

2011-09-25T20:11:00.000-05:00

cravings are always interesting. somehow a thought triggers a memory, and thedominoes are off along the path that is your body. you remember touch of a miniature golf club,the smell of a late night walk, the taste of a childhood snack, and you want tore-experience whatever it is you’re missing. you wonder if the feeling will be the same as it used to be. you worry that it won’t, but you harbor thatsecret hope that it will be just as you remembered.

I just had a craving for chocolate teddy grahams. my fourth grade teacher, mrs. orndorf—a womanwith an unusual love of whales and a sweet loft in her classroom—used teddygrahams as a reward system. if we didwell on a test or behaved ourselves, we earned a handful of those tasty littlebears. to this day, any graham crackersnack makes me feel like I’ve done something well.

maybe it’s my body trying to remind me how to teach. at least 10 hours a week, I find myselftrapped in a pitiful struggle to guide and control students who have littleinterest in what I’m teaching and even less ability to communicate withme. I would sometimes like to blametheir different culture or my lack of resources, but in the end I find thefingers of blame pointing back to me. I’m not putting enough time into preparing for them, nor am I beingcreative or daring enough in the approaches I take. I’m often trying to re-invent the wheel, whenwhat I should be doing is remembering the simple taste of a chocolate teddygraham.

as much as I am frustrated here teaching abroad, I canonly blame myself. and from there, I canonly hope to get back to work and put together something for these kids thatwill give them something to crave 15 years down the line.

poem

2011-08-29T08:27:00.001-05:00

that they already have

two by two they go

by motorbike and รถ

to tend the fields as if they were an ark

being readied for the yearly antiflood,

the arid months of late winter and young summer.

they bow,

bent at the hip,

to the earth

and dip their hands in the water,

making a million merits that should

grow to feed and clothe them.

Easy pace and cool breeze days

remind them

that they already have the joy so many toil for.

you may need to zoom in

rainy sunday

2011-07-31T05:24:00.000-05:00

It hasn’t stopped raining for hours. It was raining before I went to bed and as I fell asleep. Now, I cannot account for all the hours of the night, but it was raining when I woke again, and it hasn’t stopped since.

What does a man eat in this type of weather? Fish I suppose; or his own words. One makes plans to go out the next day, to go shopping a bit and stop by that noodle shop forgotten over the past month. One looks into one’s fridge to find a custard apple, half a lime, some chili peppers and an array of sauces, but the thought of shopping is postponed. The day can only hold so much business.

And then the rain comes. Not the torrents that bring sudden streams to race down the street and fill up all the buckets particularly placed, but the slow and droll, steady and cool, just enough to keep one in rain. The drip, drip, drop never stops a one thinks, “Why have I still not bought a proper jacket or umbrella? What was I waiting for?”

And of course one can always walk or ride a little bit, getting a little wet along the way, to a friend’s house or maybe even to that noodle shop. But something in the soft grey sky, the water cycle so close at hand, the good new book just started keeps the soul content at home, even if the body hungers just a bit.

Maybe it will never stop, raining that is. Maybe a quiet nap would only be disturbed by that same patter that lulled it into being. A soft grumbling stomach knows no comfort today, because it rains.

gross question: do i have more ants or slugs in my house?

2011-07-30T08:51:00.000-05:00

Why do we say they live in colonies? Or on farms? Where do we think they’re coming from to settle this new and wild backyard? What do we think they grow to harvest? And if we cut off their arms and legs, they would look like little snowmen. Dash, Mitch Headberg.

Maybe I have too much time on my hands, but I’ve given myself to a surprisingly many thought about one of my favorite phonemes: ants. (if you say aunt differently, ignore the phoneme joke. You’re probably too sophisticated for it anyway). Ah, the ant. What little creatures they are, running around in fairly well kept lines. How studiously they try to eat things much bigger than they are. I hear they can lift a car, or at least the ant equivalent thereof.

Whenever I would put off work of any kind growing up, my mom would often quote the proverb, “Look to the ant you sluggard.” The divinely inspired must have been looking at different ants than I am, though. Or else he meant for me to spend my days walking around aimlessly, mostly following the guy in front of me, just waiting for something tasty to fall around me so I can crawl all over it with a bunch of my friends. He should have advised to look to the Chinese. Now those people are hard workers.

But ants are cool, too, I guess. They can certainly find their way into my sugar if I don’t close it well enough. It wasn’t till I moved to Thailand did I find out how tasty they are. Maybe tasty is a bit of a stretch, but depending on the preparation they don’t taste bad. And they are a good source of protein.

I wonder sometimes if they don’t see the world as a jumbled bunch of disasters. Is a typical rain not a horrible flood to something so small? At any moment they could be crushed, either accidentally or wholly on purpose. They don’t seem to ever relax. I am not even sure if they can sleep. To an ant, life must be horrible. It’s not all Woody Allen comedy or Disney’s happily ever after. It is an arduous, uninspired, incredibly dangerous existence.

So I, the sluggard, choose not to look to the ant, despite the accolades of the advisor. I look at them instead. I smile as I sit on a bench and flick one away from biting me, and realize they’re just another aimless soul in the world.

:: like musing about ants? check out this blog. i guess it's a common thought among peace corps volunteers in thailand ::

blood bath

2011-06-26T09:14:00.000-05:00

no i'm not talking about the gold cup final (i really wish we could have held it together. good game though).

i'm talking about the mosquito party that just so happens to be right around my desk. i swear i see them everywhere. i most want to kill them when i see them in that special time where two flying insects share love. either that or it's one mosquito the size of two, which is possible based on how much of my blood i've given them for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and fourth meal, too. i swear if they get any bigger, they'll start biting through my jeans.

i read somewhere they attracted to sweat. it just so happens that i'm in the muggiest, hottest place i've ever lived.

so what do i do? first, i should wear more bug repellent. i just don't like the way it makes my skin all hot (is that just me?) next i should use the incense things i bought at the shop down the street, but i didn't buy a lighter (my friend had one). then i should go to the market more often and stock up on the spray can that kills these things dead (i had one can, and it worked for the day it was full).

but most of all, i need to do some big work. just outside my living room sit six huge water jars. they'd be great if i lived with a family of five and didn't already buy my water from the city. but as is, with their cracked and rusted lids and five years without attention, they are nothing more than breeding grounds. add them to the two mostly empty fish jars by the front fence and i have mosquito heaven, or should i say hell.

my arms riddled with small itchy bumps, i am only thankful that i can leave the job of jar cleaning and covering for when i come back; tomorrow, i'm off to suphanburi.

i thought i confirmed that it was in fact one double sized blood sucker, and then the mamma bit me too, at least i got one, im not even sure i wanna wipe this victory kill off yet.

forever farang

2011-06-12T02:28:00.000-05:00

farang: that's what they call white people in thailand. it's not necessarily a negative thing, but it is still kind of racist. they warned me about it before i even got here.

and it's not all that bad. people still care about me. they're surprised that i can eat and drink everything they do, that i can lift their big bags of rice and work hard, that i can learn thai and come to understand their customs.

but as much as try to conform, i'll always be farang.

people here often ask me if i will stay after my two year commitment is over. i tell them i am not sure, but i know i will go home to see my family. then ensues the typical joke about me finding a thai wife and family here, but i know--and sometimes they understand--that, kinda like the weepies said, just won't do, i've gotta have my family.

even i by chance i do meet someone and make a life here, i will never be one of them. sometimes, that is a rough thought.

he walks among us, but is not one of us

i shouldn't

2011-06-09T08:19:00.000-05:00

i really need to get to bed earlier. i've been so tired lately. maybe i can still blame it on jet lag?

of all the things i should be doing right now (shaving, learning the thai national anthem, planning lessons, going through my students names so i don't just call on the bad ones, figuring out my finances), all i want to do is look for a job in portland for when i'm done so i can watch the timbers and drink good beer.

is that wrong?

is it so bad to want a life i enjoy so much that my days and nights blur until time has passed me on to my grave?

i have no idea what i will do when i leave thailand. that's not for me to decide today. today is about shaving, learning songs and names, straightening up my desk. i do love today, but tomorrow. . .

sometimes i long for tomorrow.

(if only cd9 played for the city of roses)

sliver never felt so settling

2011-06-01T09:08:00.000-05:00

i've had the net now in my house for a little over 48 hours. i am tired. my first night i spent until 3:30, the next just to about midnight. tonight, i'm cutting myself off.

but not before an already so long overdue post.

when you look at the world around you, what do you see? i see mosquitoes. i see a clutter of things on my desk that i'm not quite sure how to organize. i see the reflections of a young man in the mirror, finally settling into himself.

for the past ten years, i have hated settling. maybe i still do. every decision i've made seems to have been slowed by the process of working through the piles of thoughts in the way, some named, but most anonymous. they are so often the simple wonder of why? why do this? why buy that? why stay with her? why go?

about a week ago, as my friend was driving us home from work and i was letting my mind drift along with the passing villages, i saw a chicken dart out in front of the truck and cross the street. and i couldn't help but smile as i thought of the age-old:

why does the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side.

when i was a kid, Willy Wonka answered the question of how for me in the same way. things happen because they do. maybe i was too busy listening to my question to hear the answer. maybe i was just slow to take in the concept. but for the longest time, i have let my wonders bind me. i sat watching the world play life, while i enjoyed my thoughts.

but i did enjoy them. i do not see myself at any disadvantage or as having missed any opportunities. that is the beauty of how i see things now. things happen because they do. i cannot fear that something will or will not happen, but i can enjoy what does or does not. because they do.

i wrestled with the thought for a while, calling it an issue of quality. i questioned whether or not i believed in good or bad. i came out of the struggle with little answer, but i did notice that quality is largely subjective. it is usually just a label arbitrarily set by one person (or more likely another).

so now, what i would have called settling in the past, i call doing. what used to feel like a step down on an empty podium now feels like just another step of life. they go up; they go down. neither way is better or worse, just different.

but enough of that. you don't want to read what i think about. you want to see pictures of me eating aunt eggs and looking at big, gold buddha statues.

i'll get to that next time.

a new day

2011-01-07T23:17:00.000-06:00

every day is new? every moment we take the opportunity afforded to us as living beings to do something. even inaction is a choice. so however we term a day --waking up, the sun rising, the hour on a clock we see flipping over to zero, whatever-- the moment we make changes is our "new day."

i happen to enjoy the cyclical self-delusion of the new year's resolution. last year i made several, and now that we're a solid week into this new calendar year, i find the time to check them over.

here was my list:

1 - vegetarian for 2thousand-and-10: i held to a pretty sold semi-vegetarian diet. six months in, i switched to a pescetarian diet mostly because i wanted to eat sushi and fish. i broke the diet 7 times, which will be the subject of a later, more mature thought. i now eat meat freely, but feel like semi-vegetarianism is a very healthy and better way to live. i intend to follow it more in the future.

2 - build a better budget (of time and money): i don't believe i budgeted one thing the whole year. i may have scratched out a couple of to-do lists, but those were just as much a reason for me to fold paper, doodle and kill time as actual budgeting.

3 - dream only in the day: i actually started playing around with the idea of lucid dreaming this past summer. it was quite intriguing. i also read through one of my favorite plays, hamlet, a few times to think through the ideas of sleeping for the chance to dream.

4 - give more away (of time and money): i'm a generous person, but i don't know that i gave more away. i can't say that i monitored this one, but i do feel like i've come to better terms with being selfish in certain ways over the last few months of 2010. maybe that works opposite this resolution, but it seems to leave me more mature, so i like it.

5 - learn to knit and sew: i did learn to know somebody who knits, crochets actually. i have a neat hat from her and appreciate the patience and creativity of the hobby.

6 - crack some language codes: i'm now beginning to learn thai, but that didn't make the 2010 cut.

7 - act instead of complain: i like the idea of this more than the action. in the whining words of my nephew, "i don't like to have to do this. . ."

8 - talk to more people: nope. technically, maybe yes because i went a lot of places and i know many people that i didn't know last year, but i did not practice being more outgoing. not fulfilling this one lost me a contact for the 2014 world cup and probably a lot of lady friends.

9 - clean my ears out more often: i half way did this. mostly because i wore an ear piece for my radio at work more this year and it would be gross if i didn't.

green means i did it, red means i did not, yellow means i have to go pee (actually i already forgot what i wanted yellow to mean, what do you think it means?)

so for 2011, let's get down to business; a little late, but better than never:

1- shave more (staright razor, baby! the only way to fly)
2- read more
3- curse less
4- write more
5- care more
6- stay organized
7- move to thailand, learn the language, and teach english somewhere in a remote part of the country.

ok, so i made that last one based on something i'm already planning on doing. but you gotta throw yourself a bone now and again to keep the ball rolling, right?

welp, i can't say i like this post, but i hope you do. either way, tell me what you think. do you have your own resolutions? link em. want to know more about mine? ask me. don't care? fine.

that's what i'm thinking about today

2011-01-05T15:05:00.000-06:00

our world is an interesting place. so diverse, and we so incapable of fully grasping even the pieces of it.

today i had my last meal in a town i've come to call my own. i like eating local food alone on a hill or tiny mountain that looks over a city on a special winter day that's warm enough to take off my coat yet still cold enough to keep that crisp something in the air. maybe it's a feeling of being a part of a place while still distinctly separate.

after my manhattan meal, i remembered to go visit my friend wilma g. heartly. she and i are products of different times. born in 1902, wilma now rests beside whom i assume to be her parents. she died the year i was born. i started visiting her resting place this past summer after a long run through the city. we may have never actually met, but somehow the idea of her has given me peace. i closed my eyes for a minute to listen to the breeze while i was sitting near wilma g., and when i opened them again the world had that washed-out-brightness look to it.

that is when i thought about our world today. i'm about to move to a place so different than everything i have ever known. even in the places i know, so many things happen every day so different than anything i have ever experienced. i can think i understand the ideas of everything, but i've can never know everything.

it is a beautiful picture, so detailed beyond my wildest imagination.

all i want for christmas

2010-12-04T20:42:00.000-06:00

if i could (would) create my own website, i would have a dedicated page to wishes. it'd look a bit like this one page i found on etsy. it was just a treasury i think, but it was set up very well.

anyway, i can't just make a list. it would be long. it would be incongruous. it would blast at my heart with open words, exposing my mind.

but that's not what i want for christmas anyways. what i want is snow. and good food. and waking up to the sound of my sister's kids sneaking into my room. and to fix my bike, even though i won't ride it for years. i want to cry a little at a christmas eve church service because i don't understand my own faith. i want to hold my youngest nephew. i want to listen to a lot of good christmas music. i want to read some books and watch some movies. i want to watch all of LOST. i want to wear a scarf.

i'd really like that snow.

maybe i should make that website.

open to interpretation

2010-11-21T14:28:00.000-06:00

i had a short dream last night. in my dream i had a wall of teeth at the back of my mouth. i could reach and feel them with my tongue. after a while they started coming loose, and all fell out. i spit out onto my hand a few chunks of teeth all lined up in a sort of square.

i've had the wall of teeth in my dreams before--not often but a few times--but this was the first time it fell out.

i tried showing my fallen wall and empty mouth to people in my dream, but they didn't seem to understand.

i wonder if it symbolizes a sense of freedom or a feeling of limited ability. this is all the help i found online (which is none at all).

not for lack of luster

2010-11-11T19:29:00.000-06:00

i've needed to post for a while. i've not been absent for lack of desire to share. i've just been so busy. a lot of things are changing in my life right now, and i hope to create a routine soon that allows me to lay out my thoughts as i go through this process.

in a couple short months, i will be on my way to thailand with the u.s. peace corps. i'm committed to work there for two years as a teacher of english and organizer of communities. the idea is sometimes daunting, and yet all the while exciting and more.

i know we're only a few weeks into november, but i started some christmas music today (if only we had a proper christmas market here). the song struck me softly at work today, and with it an emotion that mixes bitterly with my impending duties. i absolutely love my home, my culture--american and european--my friends and family. as eagerly as i await my next move, i am already filled with longing in my heart for home.

so, i'll use you all to sort out my mind in the next few months. this blog will soon develop into a USPCvolunteer blog, so until the transition is complete, let it be a work in progress.

spiders spin webs but i

2010-10-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

"watch what you say about the future, i think it's listening."

how can i expect people to know what i'm thinking if i never say it? i guess i live like i'm playing some twisted game of cards, as if telling my ideas will tip my hand, as if i'm about to slip down a card to make you sit back softly in your chair and think, "woah. i didn't see that coming. i guess he wins."

but there's the rub, i don't intend to win. in fact, i tend to shy from the idea of winning and losing in favor of the joy of play. so why keep the cards of my ideas so impossibly secret? impression.

not the comic impression, but the indelible.

maybe that's why i retire myself so soon; i think my impression will be seen as a win.

i got hangups.
i aught 'a hangup.

miss guided

2010-09-29T23:38:00.005-05:00

that'd be a cool name for a teacher, right? maybe a student teacher. i had a computer lab teacher in high school named Mrs. Bliss. "ignorance is bliss" was our motto; she was d.u.m.b.

but what guides us to one way or another? is it some young, slightly aloof, inexperienced lady trying to get us through the math lectures that are our daily decisions? sometimes i feel like the ability i have to sway my own opinion is so miss guided. to cases in point:

- documentaries

- driving around in my car

sit me down for just about any documentary, and by the 70th minute i'll be just as convicted as that nameless advocate most often used as a chief source of information. instead of reserving myself for reflection and debate, i take in all the passion and propaganda and feed upon it. now, i am increasingly aware of my fault here, so i take steps to check my moods and think things trough. but when given half-convincing arguments, i am miss guided.

or just let me be on my own. typically i drive by myself. these are moments of freedom for me to sing, dance, practice goofy voices, rant, form convictions, and even change my mind. i'm sure you know the feeling; there's even a song about it. my latest topic of thought as been conservation. is it really so bad to use things to extent? should i be so worried about recycling, turning off lights and water faucets. or should i work to figure out how to make things more efficient, provide adequate and cheep power and water? blah blah. that's my miss guidance of the time.

what i'm trying to say, is that i am not so sure i trust myself. but then again, all i have to do is think with that part of my brain behind my eyes.

(in unrelated news: i found my lost fountain pen. what a good day.)

the fly and i

2010-09-27T21:13:00.004-05:00

i've been secretly avoiding the king and i since grade school. if i ever meet somebody who voices an opinion in its favor (without this prompt) i will immediately and openly denounce them. and yet upon this idea i base my title.

there is a large fly in my apartment now. i could catch it, kill it, or wait for it to die. i think it will be dead when i wake up, so i choose the later most.

if you're following me on twitter you know of my new hobby. if not, let's get with the neo-american idea of social-interaction. it's always changing, but not really. fight it if you want, or don't if you don't.

saturday night i learned some cool stuff about evolution: something about thumbs, chewing muscles' relation to brain size/ability, genetics. tonight i think i'm learning about incans. i'm not sure because a lot of it is in spanish subtitles, and i'm muy incompetente in spanish -- even though i just read this book. i did hear about pachamama - earth mother goddess, and now something about the legacy of latin americans today.

blah. maybe this hobby will last about as much as my last .

i gotta get back to this public broadcast.

i am newly resolved

2010-09-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

i haven't shared with many the waining of the faith of my youth. It has been a long time since i've believed things as i used to. But that is another topic altogether, only related now partially.

To my resolution: I resolve to thank God regularly for my life. I also resolve to get some sunglasses.

The sunglasses will keep me from squinting and tearing up so much. The thankfulness will draw me back to an attitude of meakness and surrender.

I've grown stubborn and proud in my faith. My disbelief in some things has built up a rampart against the possible and driven me away from the questions that led me to this quasi-agnostic path to begin with.

So, I'll to let go a little and allow myself to look for joy again.

and the sunglasses will be nice, too.

2010-08-30T20:30:00.004-05:00

what do i want right now? more. Actually, i might be satisfied with getting back some stuff i've lost over the past few months. I can't find a box full of bike parts and gear, a nice pen. . .i guess that's about it. Oh, a little patch for my bag, too. Not sure where that went.

Even with those things restored to me, I'm sure to still want more: some sort of computer, less debt, job confirmation, a couple extra hours a night to sleep.

There is never enough, but at the same time i'm never taking full advantage of what i have.

my lust for life

growing older

2010-08-23T03:21:00.001-05:00

I remember when i used to want to gain weight. Not a substantial amount, just a belly. And facial hair, i wanted that, too. I never really tied that to a job or family, but subconsciously to responsibility and discipline.

"And then one day you look down."

Maybe that should be a quote. It's not that i worked to change myself. I just kept following my path. I may not live in glamour or fairy tales, legend or notability, but here i am with a semblance of a beard and a little belly. Funny thing? I still weigh the same.

Or is that funny. I haven't changed over the past four or five years, not really anyway. I've just rearranged. As if all the possibilities i housed have shuffled and now this is your card. Magic? Wisdom. Time. eventuality.

I am glad to realize this presently, but i must admit it sets me with a poor view of tomorrow. Actually tomorrow is clear enough: drop off my car for fixing and enjoy the first day of school again. But distant tomorrow, future tomorrow: what does that look like? Do i expect another shuffle? Am i playing with a full deck, 52 pick up? Can i think of other cliché card sayings?

Or should I just keep looking down.

"You want things to change. You work to change them. Life goes on, day by day. And then one day you look down. And there you are. Is that really where you want to be?"

off by brow

2010-08-06T12:56:00.002-05:00

training usually comes with a goal. my sister is putting her kids through training right now with the goal that they won't crap their pants. it's something to aim for. but what do you do when there is no goal?

i've been trying to pick up running (and working out in general) for a while now, but where's my goal. i have no desire to compete in any race or team sport. i don't need to be any more healthy. i'm not overweight.

then i get done with a run, and my legs are a bit sore and i sit down for a minute. off my brow, the sweat drips to my cheeks like tears, as if my body is sad there's no purpose to my effort. but like many things, i think i'm building a subtle purpose: i'm learning to enjoy the effort itself.

i used to hate reading. i'm not a fast reader, so it was mostly an issue of embarrassment. but then i realized i need to know things, and share ideas with others. so i picked up the hobby and now i help kids learn to love to read (that's a bit misleading, but i do tell them they should love to read). the same was generally true for sports. i'm not a great athlete, so i was embarrassed to try and fail.

but now i work towards training my mind to just enjoy the effort of things, not necessarily the firm goal of achievement.

what else can i apply this to in my life?

i dream: a thought on the topic of time

2010-07-27T12:47:00.002-05:00

there used to be a time in my life when i would gladly, daily sleep till the early afternoon. i wasn't necessarily lazy, although that was a part of it. the largest advocate of my slumber was to sleep perchance to dream. i thought of myself as a dreamer, not in the "john lennon/change the world" sort, but more in the "when i sleep i dream cool dreams" way. i liked preferred to close my eyes again to the world and get back to my world.

over the past year or so i've fought myself to wake up earlier, but my dreams are still vibrant. for some reason i would like to share a recent one with you now.

i just got back from a trip to south africa following the world cup with a few friends. it was a great trip, possibly even life changing. in my dream the four of us return to our home state of kansas to find that we have gone back five years. i think because i didn't really know one of the guys, he was not really in the dream much.

but the other two guys and myself were back in our sophomore year of college, but this time as 24 year old re-livers, so to speak. everyone else was still 19, maybe with little twists and updates, but the idea was firm that we three friends where 5 years ahead getting a second try at it all.

for some reason i couldn't handle it. the other two guys were glad to keep the secret and live life again, taking full advantage of the gift. but i couldn't keep the things i knew in my head. i went up to our other friends room (he still being 19, but one of my closest friends ever) and broke down. i remember thinking in my dream that i was going to have bloodshot eyes from all the stress of trying not to spoil life by telling all the secrets of the future.

maybe i'm not able to share this idea with you well enough; i don't feel that i am. maybe i'm not sure enough of it myself, but here's what i think i have from my dream:

if i could live life over again, with all the knowledge and experiences i have accumulated, and the circumstances and events of my life would largely be the same as before, i do not believe i would be able to handle the responsibility. it would seem to be the ultimate dream, the chance to try again. but the beauty of never knowing the next thing to happen is so sweet to me right now. it is so . . . real.

i lie

2010-07-08T02:42:00.001-05:00

so, i said i was going to post, or try to post, right? i lie.

maybe i'm just not too into sharing my thoughts right now. maybe i don't have enough to share. maybe internet access being what it is and this blog being what it is . . .

whatever. i'd like for this thing or avenue to one day be something worth while, both for me and for anyone else reading. but today it is not.

and that's the lesson i learn. take things for what they are, changing what needs it, but accepting what won't take change.

one day

2010-06-24T11:08:00.003-05:00

i'm usually left thinking things will happen one day with the intention that this "one day" is far in the future. but sometimes the day is in just one day.

as in: in one day i will be on my way to south africa to enjoy the wold cup with three great friends. hopefully i'll be watching our boys march their way to the first ever US victory, but just being at the games is worth the world.

so, despite my recent lack of connectivity, and even through whatever difficulties lay ahead in durban being without a computer of my own, and more even through my recent apathetic nature when it comes to posting, I intend to share this experience here.

fingers crossed.

USA!

monday afternoon

2010-06-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

What is today? Monday? Why are these two so well dressed for lunch and a coffee? Or does it matter?

Judgement can come quickly to my mind sometimes, for good and bad. I overheard some people having battery problems with their car a couple weeks ago. Now I see them and think I like them because of my own battery problems. I hear some cute girl saying some stupid things, and I agree with myself to never talk to her.

All throughout our lives we encounter countless stimuli that guide our judgements one way or another. What makes one person so much more or less desirable than the next? Is it not a long, long list we've cultivated over a lifetime? We look for similarities or differences. We compare those to experiences and imagined scenarios. We decide.

And we shouldn't pretend that this process only holds to prejudice. It digs deeper as we learn more, hear more, see more. Half the people who agree to sickness and health in marriage decide to call it quits in a few years nowadays. They've dug deep enough for long enough to realise that list they had built growing up wasn't being met.
But here's a turn:

Once we recognise this guidance of familiarity, are we able to work against it, or ought we even try?

Do we trust the same feelings that have led our ancestors to war, or do we question every single decision to the point of in-decision?

Choose wisely, I guess :)

humpty dumpty

2010-06-04T14:36:00.002-05:00

i really hate feeling like an eggman on a wall, but the other options are less attractive to me.

one hand tells me to fly as closely to the sun as possible (the sun being my ideal lifestyle). so i leave the ac off in favor of fans, ride my bike and walk as much as i can, recycle, prefer buying used clothes, cars, and other things, blah blah blah. i believe in the impact of an individual living sustainably. i believe letting it mellow when it's yellow even if you can afford a higher water bill is more than thrift: it is resource management at the most basic level, and such behavior could change our world in great ways.

i also want my car to work better, to sweat a bit less, and to live a life of certain standard.

what frustrates me most is the loneliness i feel in my efforts. maybe i even leave myself alone.

i still haven't set up a proper recycling system for my house.
i come to the very well climate controlled library to use their nice new imac's when i want to post.
i haven't been to the farmer's market here in town but once this season, and i didn't even buy anything.

i want so much but expect so much else.

perhaps this is the true moral dilemma humpty dumpty is meant to teach:

a man is made to sit on a wall dividing what he wants from what he expects. the wall cannot be a home; he much chose a side. the man cannot chose, and so must fall to whatever side upon which his eyes most keenly linger. the fall is great. no amount of effort can set a man right again.

am i still on the wall, or have i fallen?

your posts are precious to me

2010-05-07T19:12:00.002-05:00

i just sms'ed that title to my sister. she posts a lot about her kids. see updated WHO I READ list

earlier today i looked both ways before crossing a one way street. i wonder if that has anything to do with me having a hard time being happy. i don't really think it does. it's most probably based on how sick i was the last few weeks, but i am well again, if only physically.

i also started thinking more broadly lately. well, i think i'm thinking such, but one can never be quite sure.

i'm sorry. i have to be done already. i am also sorry my frustration and tone cannot translate through text. you may have been reading this all with a very cheery voice, but that's not right. and you surely cannot know that between this paragraph and the last i sat for a minute or two just thinking to myself. i'm sorry for it all, and i am going home.

.love.

(i also saw some blown over "make art not war" statue-ettes outside the library. i read them first as "make love into war" and eventually wondered if they weren't god's subtle way of saying i should buy a gun)

where have i been

2010-05-02T13:36:00.002-05:00

a while back, my computer broke . . . a little. i can get on, after some button clicking and waiting. it only loads in a "safe mode," so everything is goofy looking and, while being fully functional, the fun of personal computing is not really present.

if you remember, i used to only post from public computers at one of the libraries in town. it worked out great. i liked how it forced me to be much more intentional in my posts. but shortly after my personal access to the internet became significantly hindered, so was my health.

i'm not a whiner, but i've felt much less healthy than normal for almost two weeks now, and it's kept me from caring to go to the library. i've had a couple cool ideas in the mean time, but they've already escaped me.

i look forward to returning more consistently, but i'm also unsure when it will happen.

until then, it's nap time for me.

it's too easy to stay gone too long

2010-04-13T16:34:00.002-05:00

i love sharing, especially my ideas, but i'm not too hot on sharing un-finished ideas without a way of continually shaping them with others. being that the feed back here is limited in its form and quantity, i've stayed away for a bit (too long).

i may start blogging about my diet. i think that could be fun (for me).

but i'm beginning to write a bit on my own. i'm thinking about two topics right now:

sacrifice
sym- and empathy

so, that's a bit where i am at. if you see me with any regularity, tell me to blog more, or better yet lets talk about what i'm thinking about, or even better yet what you're thinking about.

later gator.

let us try again: i have more to say, but you may/will never hear it

2010-03-07T22:22:00.002-06:00

still on a hiatus, but i have to take a sec to say:

i love our world.

i was telling a friend that today, and maybe a couple more friends, and now you friends. maybe it's waking up early, looking at some photos, the warmer weather, the good coffee, the great episode of LOST, the smooth biking, talking to my sisters, talking to a new friend in german, writing a letter to gma, free sandwiches de stephen, seeing friends in the ville, an afternoon beer, getting my laundry done, the oscars, . . .

i think that sums up the day. oh, thinking about how great the future is waiting for me, for us, for the world.

facebook status update: jacob R starkey is very happy.

break me off a piece of that. . .

2010-03-01T16:25:00.002-06:00

i'm tired. maybe it's just today. maybe it's a thaw i'm getting ready for with spring approaching.

whatever it is, i'm keeping my thoughts to myself for a minute.

here's the rest of what i had written already. it's all together, so you'll have to look a bit into what's new, and maybe speculate about what could have been.

there should be two posts not previously released in there.

anyway, till we meet again. it shouldn't be too long.

.love.

i have more to say, but you may/will never hear it

2010-02-16T05:17:00.001-06:00

do you have any plans for tonight?

i've been telling people lately (i just saw two girls pray for a solid sixty seconds over their food. must be ham in that sandwich) that we have to live in the future. we cannot live in the past, and the present is in every moment passing; so beat the punch and live in the future.

but what does that even mean? i've summed it up in my mind for the time being as such:

define reality as best you can, creating expectations (danger zone) to march your world to-wards.

my good friend mr. wonka said, "we are the music makers. we are the dreamers of dreams." now, i've resolved myself to dream only in the day this year, and here is why: the future cannot be won in a fantasy from sleep. it takes more. we have to put words to the things we know, and paint new ones for the things we don't.

i don't see it as a charge of urgency, but rather a state of opportunity(<-- remind me about that one sometime, and i'll tell you another story). we don't have to make the future, but if we do it will be better; it will be ours.

names

2010-02-11T13:09:00.004-06:00

a rose by any other, right? some people give their right tit to figure out identity. identity theft is not a laughing matter, but what theft would be? (danny ocean's, sure). this is getting out of hand.

a rose by any other. what is in a name, i'd gladly give mine for freedom, but that's not the choice given save but to take it.

names are given as definition, and definition is just another way to understand. example: karaoke: empty orchestra. something to do on monday nights at that bar your friend likes. if you're american, odds are you didn't know what it means, but you know exactly what it means. we keep this odd mixture of meaning and not to ourselves.

have you seen pulp fiction? that scene where butch (tough as nails bruce willis) is running from the climatic fight we never see: he says it all, "i'm american honey. our names don't mean shit." he's not spot on. butch means exactly what he turns out to be: the strong, decisive, risky dude who could knock you out on whim.

so the meaning is there, but it's hidden behind layers of ignorance. or maybe it's just the art of language. we use our words to describe reality, associating one thing to another, maybe building our own connection, maybe pointing out one that is already.

a number of years ago, i thought up a name for my first son. now, i'm no closer to having a son then you are to pulling off your big toe, but i like to think things out a bit, sometimes to a fault. anyways, i dreamed up the name to call him: brennen. it's not original, but it means something to me. brennen: to burn. i want my first one to be a fire; sometimes wild, sometimes coals, always able to start something big. always burning. immer brennen.

it's not a perfect line of meaning, but it means enough to me.

so what is in a name? would a rose by any other name not smell as sweet? would its thorns not prick your blood loose from body? would its colour not still warm your heart? sure, but then that new name would be the sound that did the same.

:a book to tell this story to your children:
:thank you for the happy birthday:
:i plan to make this soooooon:

birthday bonus

2010-02-07T13:20:00.002-06:00

four and twenty years now i have been here. thank you for the years, whoever you may be.

music

2010-02-03T16:32:00.002-06:00

music is divine. or is it not? is it human? is it a simple connection 'tween what we dream as perfect and see as real.

a song can sooth, can disturb, can lead to joy, rage, tears, love. but what is it? from where comes this power? is it the beauty we see in the parts coming together to reach a whole, an orchestra of so many talents joining to sweep our minds off our feet by way of our ears?

karaoke: empty orchestra. the (drunken) expression of what we want? to sense something bigger.

:day late on the post; LOST season six started, so i was kind of preoccupied:

swarms

2010-01-30T13:53:00.002-06:00

i started this idea off when i was walking home a couple weekends ago (a beautiful winter repose when only a t-shirt and jeans were in order; what a day) and saw a flock of geese flying back north.

(side note: when geese are flying north again, is winter about over?)

i am, at any rate, always very keen to watch a flock of birds, a school of fish, a chinese olympic opening ceremony. something about a million parts forming one : beauty. it's a picture of design, meaning, purpose. maybe.

when i think back to chaos and the randomness of everything, i am not so sure. i still haven't been able to find the exact film i was looking for about swarms. it was something talking about the bait ball and the flock of starlings; the pattern/chaos of their flight serves to keep them safe from predators. they know some will be cost, but the swarm gives them chances.

but there's something else i'm missing. . .

maybe it's the idea of being a part of the whole i've been fighting for a while. my pride hates the idea, but my heart sees the safety and bigger purpose. but my pride hates the idea, and sometimes it is what i've left myself to rely on.

still there's something else. . .

oh, the tipping point! do you know it? it's a basic idea, but my favorite example came last year from the music festival sasquatch. this guy was on a hill towards the outskirts just dancing his heart away. he dances for who know how long, and after a song or three people join him. first it's passers by. then a girl comes to dance a second and leave. then a guy: there are two. then chubby dude: three. then five, fifteen, thirty, a hundred and people are running from all over the hill to join the dance.

was it the song? was it the determination of the one crazy guy? whatever it was, it created something big, if only for a minute in time on a hill in washington.

and maybe that's the wrestle i am in. the crazy pride of self that could start the beauty of a swarm.

:another avenue of thought per tipping points:
:8 minutes leading up to (i think) the dance party:
:cool song i was listening to while i wrote this:

swarms: chaos or complexity

2010-01-25T19:41:00.003-06:00

i slacked a bundle this past week and leave you only with the taste of my post for now. i'd work hard through the evening to finish up some thoughts, but that'd leave this short, and would not do. so here are some videos to pique your thought.

crazy flies on lake victoria

birds (a bit more talk that i wanted, but its worth it in the end)

bait ball (i also suggest checking out planet earth's ocean deep episode)

bonus: haiti

2010-01-22T20:15:00.002-06:00

so, you've heard enough of this all i'm sure, but what have you done?

have you thought of any ideas to make things better? have you sought out those who've already beaten you to the punch and asked them how you can help? have you watched a couple minutes of the telethon on tv??

it's hard to get stuff done sometimes, but it's not hard to give. especially now, when giving is a small series of clicks away from done.

i'm still looking into the group i'd like to support, but soon enough i'll make the choice. let that soon enough be sooner than enough.

hope for haiti - telethon people

yele - wyclef jean's friensds

lambi - it means conch shell i think

just a few i've looked at

chaos

2010-01-19T15:16:00.003-06:00

now here is an idea that has been in my mind for a while, and i really like it.

(favorite aspect : its span across the tribes of time)

anon., 1659 - chaos has never travelled; or if she did, it was when she was in the womb of Nothing. [. . .] So Chaos neither doats upon her neighbor customs more than is convenable, nor is she affected with starnge novelties fetcht from far Countries, so ardently as to surfeit thereon [. . .]

to the greeks it was a sort of beginning. today it is a sort of end. it was void, unpredictable; it is still confusion, but hinting of possibility. or maybe it's always hinted such.

it is beautiful to see how ideas are shaped by and in turn shape cultures. and the messengers, oh the messengers. my earliest recollection of the concept is from jurassic park, when doctor ian malcom shows the theory as a drop of water tracing random paths from back of hand to wrist to arm. maybe not the most elegant description, but it serves to say a truth:

in our finite understanding we do not see the possibilities;

we must then trust them all.

i'm still a journey from really understanding this idea, but i've got a book, and a day off (thanks MLKjr), and i want to think about it.

::so i spent my day off mostly watching LOST season 1, but i've started a wave on the idea. let me know if you'ld like to join::

a dream

2010-01-12T04:08:00.003-06:00

i'm sitting at a starbucks for only the second time in my life right now. thank you gift cards :)

but still, what am i doing here is good. i'm taking my chief resolution by the horns, writing out in advance. i'll hope this makes my work better, or at least more regular.

you've heard of tribes, right? not just the word, but the idea; the meme. seth godin is a big influence of my ideas on this, but if you're not familiar please let me try to explain.

if you're proficient with the language, you know generally what a tribe is. take the idea and start to spread it to everything. races are tribes, as are nationalities. soccer fans are a tribe, and they're split into smaller rival tribes. wine drinkers, beer drinkers, domestic beer drinkers, non-drinkers are all tribes. people who like winter or summer, cats or dogs, trucks or hybrids - all tribes.

it's easy enough to think of tribes in opposition, but that is not what we need anymore.

tribes began naturally--and they still begin naturally around new things like the twilight saga or a new board game--because they were necessary. when you have never seen another person before, and they threaten your safety or prosperity, you need a tribe to help you keep the things you want.

the trick is, we've all already met, in so many ways that is. i may not know your name, but i bet i've heard your story or something like it. and even in the exception--because the world is still a big place even if we'd like it to be small--a dream should still be different than reality.

in reality, if you are not in my tribe, you are my opponent. in dream, there is always a larger level. we're not the same skin tone; we grew up in different countries, with different languages, different customs; we eat different foods, drink different drinks; we believe different truths; we are still both here, and that is enough.

you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one.

bonus

2010-01-08T03:22:00.003-06:00

on this day in 2008, bethany jordan hutton was born.

here's to two years.

amen.

tomorrow's blog today

2010-01-05T20:51:00.002-06:00

my dear dear diary

ha, jk. this is a log. this is a web log.

this is a blog.

welcome to the two-thousand and tenth, friends and family. here is the deal, or no deal if you will. i think i forgot my december resolution to figure out how to make a better blog. so no deal on that, but i'm still here, right? youbet.

so where was i. . .

oh you don't remember, well neither do i.

let us begin with tomorrow today. now, if that had been my motto for the first twenty years of my life, things could be a good deal different for me. but no complaining, things are what they are. where i will not complain, i'll put action in its stead. resoulution number 7.

so now, for a new year post, my resolutions:

1 - vegetarian for 2thousand-and-10

2 - build a better budget (of time and money)

3 - dream only in the day

4 - give more away (of time and money)

5 - learn to knit and sew

6 - crack some language codes

7 - act instead of complain

8 - talk to more people

9 - clean my ears out more often

that is enough, right? i started only with #1 when the clock struck, but the others have been building up for a while.

and they might work out, too. but i'll wrap them all in the most customary of resolutions:

i reslove to doing tomorrow's things today.

are we the world

2009-12-20T12:13:00.002-06:00

i've heard a couple times that idea of different minds being waffles or spaghetti. maybe you've heard it, too. i usually take it up like a candy, throw away the wrapper of men vs. women that it comes in and suck on the core of it for a while.

then sometimes i think my mind is some sort of dish of spaghetti and waffles. now, unless it's spaghetti-ice (and even then, the analogy falls apart a bit), it's not a popular paring. this blegian-italian mix up may not be ideal, but it's what i got going for me.

for those unfamiliar, allow me to explain:

the waffle has ideally designed pores that can hold butter or syrup or other treats, each separate but able to flow over to the next if necessary.

spaghetti is all together, with sauce and meat, seasoning and cheese and noodles lumped in sans separation. it's a flow of food no matter of necessity; you don't get the option to keep the butter from the m&m or the syrup from the chocolate chip.

>>FFWD i feel like i see things in one way and then again another. all of the ideas throughout time i encounter seem different but the same. i see the walls, but look again and i see the fields where only time and space keep two or more apart.

gosh this is confusing. so, tell you what, i've been thinking about this off and on for a long time now, but i'll do some real work and bring a mini series in 2010 on the idea.

yeah that sounds better.

r - are you going to the mall later?

honey milk

2009-12-09T14:04:00.005-06:00

i stopped getting coffee at my local coffee shop. it all happened a week ago, when my friend offered to pay for my drink after he ordered his own. i saw the chance to try something new at no risk and took it. i took in all the many items listed, and I found my self facing something new for me

honey milk

not quite sure what to expect, i sipped cautiously at my warm mug. what hit my lips was a sweet, smooth drink i've quickly fallen for. i've even dreamed a new first taste; one where i've a wise young grandmother (young for a grandmother, but still quite old in age); one where i have a hard time sleeping and share stories of life and love over a perfect cup of

honey milk

maybe i've seen to many movies, but i hope to make this dream come true for someone someday (not as grandmother, of course; i've my own role in this dream).

and at this moment, my entire life's ambition is to share this with a child of a child still yet to be conceived. that's what can happen, when you drink

honey milk

plans

2009-12-06T23:25:00.002-06:00

i had two posts in the concept phase, but i pitched them. as in i threw them away, not pitched like to a publisher or anything. just in case you were wondering.

i walked a bit today. some would say today was a bad day to walk. i agree, but it's only getting colder this week, right? so in that sense, today was the best day of the week to walk a bit. unless you start your week on monday. in that case, don't walk around much this week. or, you know what, walk. just be you, right?

so what does any of this have to do with plans? why did i drag you through my morning just to get to this? no real reason. i didn't plan it; it just happened.

a friend and i talk every now and again about our paralysis by analysis. we've both found ourselves caught up in our plans--or truer yet in our concepts--that we cannot even move. if james was right, than this is perhaps one of our sins that snares us, keeping us from some good we should be getting to. now i'm not always too inclined to agree, but at least the connection rings of truth. i get so worked up in thinking sometimes, i just don't know what i ought to do. . .

but it's good to have plans, too. the plan behind the concept posts was to have a weeks worth of content written ahead of time and leak it out on a schedule, so as not to overflow the drains that line our social sewers (try to think of sewers here as the home of the ninja turtles, not the actual sewers. that makes my metaphor a bit more palatable). and i plan on waking up early so i can scrape the winter wonderland off my car and drive to work.

but i trap myself in plans, and forget to live in the moment. but i live in a moment sometimes and make a mistake i should have planned better for.

so . . . plans, right. maybe i should have written this before hand.
anyone interested in being my editor?

parties

2009-11-24T00:41:00.032-06:00

were i to list the top ten things you should do this week, and were i to base that list upon what the eight grade brain-trust i've found at work, the top of that top ten list would be

party

but why would i listen to a bunch of middle school kids? well, because they're kind of right.

rewind to a couple weekends ago, back before all that thanks was given, to a spurt of the middle of the week idea gave birth to a party my roommates and i threw. what for a party was it? pajama. that's right, you're probably thinking, "oh, saaweeet, pajama party! where was i?" or maybe more truly, "oh. . .uh. . .sweet. . . paajama party *smirk*" well neigh sayer, say neigh no more. it was not a picture of party perfection, but i made a good weekend great.

but what was so good about our party? it wasn't the great music we played, the cool rum my friend bought, the new people i met (well, the people may actually be a part of it), or the swell choice of post party movie to fall asleep to. the best part of a party is that you're doing something with people, and you keep doing it till very late at night.

without the party, you sit alone at home, watching funny tv shows, eating some noodles, writing neat ideas in your blog. it's an ok thing to do, but you're not sharing anything (well some ideas, but that's about it).

get out and party. share life with as many people as possible.
could i go more into why i think this is important? yes. but that'll have to wait.

until then, get out and party.

race

2009-11-24T00:41:00.006-06:00

during the months leading up to the last presidential election, i was annoyed by it.

when the kids bring it up at school as an excuse, i am annoyed by it.

when i heard the buzz surrounding disney's new princess, i was annoyed by it again.

if you're honest with yourself, you can probably think of at least one time in the past week or two when the topic at hand has popped into a conversation, not as a side note but rather some almost dominating point.

it's race.

if you didn't vote for obama, you were a racist.

if i tell a dark skinned kid to go back to his seat, i'm being racist.

hooray! the tides of civil liberties have found their way to the land of dreams! a black princess!

is it not time we work past this stuff? some people talk about a blended nation where we have more boxes to check defining our skin tone and heritage, and surly that's a step, but why can our race not be just an interesting note in our history rather than a marker for our future?

the idea is simple: every individual deserves the same opportunity as the next. with all the tricks and trades, all the advances in every area, nothing limits a person aside from his or her own ambition and drive. every time we dip back into this debate, we keep it alive. even what i write now gives it another breath.

let's get over it. things are as they are; they were as they were; and they will be as we make them to be.

and as for the princesses? jasmine was arabian, pocahontas was native american, mulan was chinese, and ariel was half fish. when are we going to have a heavy princess, now that's the question.

@mysorethroat

2009-11-14T20:21:00.003-06:00

you are no longer welcome here. please leave.

it seems fair to say that no moment is want of sickness. (you like my freestyle grammar, do you?) today i tried to think of my sore throat as a brief change, a passing guest if you will. like that guy your roommate invited to stay the week while he was in town, but never really thought he'd come. it's not that big a deal, right?

but here's the bigger part of my thought: take an idea or even an entire worldview you do not already keep yourself and try it on for more than just a second. it's kind of fun.

i was actually a bit scared to entertain this, but i've been doing it now off and on for the past week. change all of your motives and values, and not just in a, "i wonder what those people are thinking," sort of way.

believe in a god.
believe in a million gods.
believe in no god.

think of ways to help the poor.
think of ways to exploit the poor.
think of ways to just live to the next moment.

don't just read about some different opinion, but really try it on and wear it for a while. call it walking in a mile in their shoes; call it opening your mind; call it trying to actually care about the billions of people who also inhabit this planet.

it's not about figuring anything out. it's just fun.

if thought bubbles where real, i wouldn't feel so alone in this room

2009-11-12T22:04:00.002-06:00

i feel like i've been alone to my own thoughts a lot lately. for some people, that may sound like a welcome retreat, and i could agree most of the time. but the silence has become a burden. my thoughts and i went to bed around 8.30 last night. that was lame.

the worst of it all is the cycle that develops almost over night. nobody is there to talk to, so i'm kept to myself. next night i'm kept again. maybe i should call someone, but i'll just keep to myself. ooo, i could go to a concert and get some coffee. . . alone? book shopping; don't know that anyone has ever joined me there. hey, i'm missing the thing, ah but it's so nice to stay quiet.

it does not feel good some times. but maybe this is just life. maybe i should draw some bubbles.

(on a side note, i saw some christmas lights up today. nice.)

2009-11-04T21:44:00.002-06:00

i used to look at the dates of the posts on blogs, and if they weren't kept current enough i would skip on by. maybe that's what's kept me away from my own blog lately.

i still have a few ideas here and there. i also have some time to spare every day. but still my heart goes back to my "let him hush" post a while ago. more of my thought is devoted to the daily things.

what am i going to do to get this kid to read more?

can i get this guy to sit up straight more, so his back won't be too weak to stay straight up, so he will finally stand right and make a good shot in wrestling practice?

what about the guys who mock that one girl? what should i do about them?

and the kids that. . .

i guess billions of other people live their lives every day, minute by minute, not questioning the theories of life. but i don't read their books hundreds of years later, now do i?

routine

2009-10-22T22:09:00.002-05:00

i've seem to set myself into a new routine.

ssssucks.

i'm not saying i don't like what i'm doing. i actually really do. i'm not really disappointed with what i've been getting done. i feel like i'm doing my share. so why don't i like my wearing path?

it's just not enough for me right now.

i'm not learning enough.
i'm not dreaming enough.
i'm not inspiring enough.
i'm not. . .

but then again, what is life.

answer that question and i'll gladly buy you something to drink.

let him hush

2009-09-27T22:20:00.003-05:00

But the man who aims to speak as books enable, as synods use, as the fashion guides, and as interest commands, babbles. Let him hush.

ralph waldo emerson

i read this before church from the address emerson gave just over 170 years ago. it was just like being there. well, that's not true. at all.

but it kind of made me think of what i'm doing here, and that's good. i don't know for sure if i'm just keeping this up for its own sake or for what reason at all, really. i have my reasons in favour and against, to be honest.

so i'm deciding to take this a bit slower, only speaking when i must.

for now, just look at this little set of pictures my trip to wichita. indicative?

i think so.

idea on beginnings

2009-09-22T21:06:00.004-05:00

just another post - keeping my tail on

2009-09-21T22:55:00.002-05:00

if you don't know about your tail, look up seth godin. he has done some great work of thinking for us all. thank you seth.

late night (well early night, but late for us working folk) bourne, don't mind if i do. sometimes it just helps to have friends to stay up that extra hour or two with.

so, my sister's baby girl got herself a big girl bed. one of the better things i've seen in a while. i can't wait till i get a chance to go see her and everyone again.

oh dang! i just remembered, i have this post i wrote out last weekend, maybe on thursday or friday when my friend came into town. i need to get that up here. i was just about to go on some blah-blah about life and living, but now i can save us all the trouble.

so until then, no links, just facts.

:our garage is very almost party-able, main need is a party:
:i would love to have a brunch here soooooon:
:cleaning the garage = lots of little bug bites:

tip-type-tap: what's next? what's now.

2009-09-16T22:40:00.004-05:00

I wonder some days at school if the kids in my class realize where they are at technologically speaking.

BACKGROUND; we use pretty nice computers, as in nicer than my computer. nothing super top of the line, but there is nothing we do that could demand much of our computing power. we use pretty lame software, as in at least five years old. it still works, and the kids may never really know, but they sure do know it doesn't move very quickly.

ok, so these kids have things at their grubby little, sometimes over sanitized fingers (seriously the purell dispenser needs to be adjusted), and i hearken back to when i was in their brand-new-for-school shoes. the pearls we throw before the swine, right?

do they even know how many people are R&Ding the very way they use . . . everything?

will they join the ranks of the painters of the tools of tomorrow?

wait, add a line to the title: what was already. follow me?

i think it safe to assume our typical trend is to look back, around, and beyond, all with the goal to redo what has been done, doing it better. but why don't we reverse: dream, snap back to reality, and further back yet.

what epiphany struck those who conquered stone, bronze, iron, silicon? where did man calm fire into heat into light? and all these questions not to try to crack the code of cracking the codes, but rather to just re-experience the joy of life, the discovery.

innovation is constant, but the day to day may just keep use tip-type-tapping at the feet of the last one struck.

(maybe i should just focus on helping the kids read better)

:dumpster diving is cool, or?:
:i keep, keep, keeeep hearing about this book, but have barely heard of this book:
:good new cd; who write's this stuff?:

the doppler effect

2009-09-13T15:46:00.002-05:00

the further you get away from something, the more it changes

i've got back on bikes in the past couple days. not my bike, of course, but a couple other bikes. thank you to the girl with the white bike with no tape on the handle bars and bad breaks at mcc who doesn't need the security of a lock, and more thanks to my friend josh tedder. it felt good to take a spin and be a bit tired when i arrive. as soon as i learn how to change a tire, i'll be out on my own again.

in the mean time, i've been thinking about the doppler effect on my life. i'm sure the math doesn't work out the same, but it seems the time between any decision i make and the point in which that decision is to bear consequence has been altering the decision's appeal.

maybe if i could come up with some great examples of this it would be easier to understand, but i don't have (m)any. i'll just leave it at this: things change. i've been left wondering if i'm just to re-make/evaluate/decide at every encounter. i guess so.

:i hope to use this word fluently soon:
:agreed, some people's ideas are just too wild:
:but other people's were just unlucky:
:this thing is cool:

apathy

2009-09-07T00:01:00.002-05:00

i generally have no lust to fill out these many blank spaces with words you should have heard already. every now and again, i do; i really do. i think to myself, "hey, what an idea! this is something worth writing about. this is something i would like to attach to my name."

but then i end up forgetting that idea, or coming back to only to realize that it wasn't that great or thought out --the latter case causing more frustration than no thought at all.

so i think to myself here and again how i'm going to share some ideas i have about how we could better challenge ourselves and create a world we love, and i pull out neat hyperlinks i find, and i try to form ideas i get from sci-fi novels into palatable terms (because i know 92% of you 18 people reading this will write off the truth for the source), and i end up skipping a day or seven, never really writing anything.

well, it makes me sick. it eats at my subconscious--which i am convinced is two sizes too big--until i have paralyzed myself from the internet altogether save for twitter, facebook, and email.

i don't tell people here about how i've given up meat for ramadan, baked two loaves of bread today, become a decent at fifa on xbox, slightly given up hopes of learning spanish and falling in love with an amazing, dark skinned, ambitious, southern european girl a few years younger but far more mature than me.

i keep it all where everyone else keeps their dreams, somewhere between the heart and the teeth, unable to be tasted but always keeping you up at night.

and it's killing me.

so, as i raise my glass that i do not have to drink the drink i do not drink, here's to writing it all, and sorting it out later.

:i wish this was in my town:
:my mom gave me money for a helmet and i bought lunch:

what it is

2009-08-23T21:38:00.003-05:00

for the next nine months or so, i am living with five guys (plus three) in a three bedroom house (plus a two downstairs). a lot can be said for the community experience available in a college town.

of course, options abound to live alone, but one particular factor drives the high concentration per household: money. it is simply cheaper to live with people and share costs. but what about when it's not?

the dorms may not be the cheapest housing, but they aren't expensive and you'll save on some stresses living on your own brings up. living in a fraternity/sorority surely isn't cheaper, but you buy into more community.

and that's what i want to talk about isn't it. but what is it?

is it living with a bunch of people? is it sharing a bathroom? yes, it is.

community is living together. it's being involved in each others lives. it is sharing things, big and small, and making it all work out.

but if it would be so simple, why do we find so many barriers to its success?

:i would like to get some tacos here, if you would join me:
:some people should not run for public office:
:this story shapes my ideas of community a lot:

tomorrow i begin

2009-08-19T22:40:00.002-05:00

tomorrow i begin my new job as an assistant to the reading teacher at eisenhower middle school here in manhattan (kansas). is it strange that i'm most nervous to see how the students like me?

i didn't think i would be able to find a reason to look forward to living in kansas for a couple years, but this may just be it. i'm really looking forward to taking some real stock in this community i've been a member of for the past 4, 5, 23 years (depending how you count them).

so that's what i would like to muse on for a while: community. i've given a lot of thought to it for a while now, and i think it's time i bounce some ideas off something greater than my own mind.

:i built a desk for myself, now i just need to give it legs:
:i've been thinking of these ideas every time i got to the farmer's market lately:
:i'm going to read this one tomorrow, beat me to it?:

my tail (tale)

2009-08-18T23:42:00.002-05:00

How often do you re-introduce yourself?

if you read ^^ that guy, you've familiarized yourself already with the idea of having a tail/tale in life. if not, maybe i can give you a crash course:

what you do matters.

everything you do, especially online, adds up and creates a length of events, circumstances, ideas, etc. that create this tail of yours that tells a tail of yours.

so when he asks how often you have to say who you are, it's more than just reminding that guy or girl at the party your name. it's about trying to tell people you've changed, but more so trying to tell yourself you've changed.

i've done this enough (insert links to old posts), and i'm sure i'll do it again (insert links to future posts), but the idea is genuine:

realize that you are on this line, you are on-line, online, and there are certain principles that may not be guiding you but they for sure still have rule over you, not because they are something greater, something wild and mysterious, but because they are . . . simply true.

ok, listen, i'm going to deal with this in my next post, but for now, chew on the idea of having a tail (and a tale), and what it means for you.

:maybe we should be less picky:
:maybe we should be more:
:what do you think about health care:

i've been gone for a long time

2009-08-17T01:27:00.002-05:00

but i am back.

listen, i was going to wait until i learned how to make this site better, then match my gems with rubies, but i was thinking today about how that is a poor choice, so here i am.

if they would say life changes, i would agree. there may be nothing similar about me today from yesterday, save my name, my face, and maybe my car. ok, i'll take that back, but yet again i won't.

i've been giving my mind a good while to just be, and it has been good. i've not been lazy, but not active either. maybe it was like a cocoon of sorts, but probably not.

listen again, thank you.

thank you for looking at this. thank you for giving me some feed back.

blah, blah, blah. let's get this going again, alright?

with that all said, i'm back. here's another reason to click into your reader.

.jrs.

:autotune your news:
:or slow jam it:
:or just slow jam it:

i've been gone for a long time

2009-05-22T20:01:00.002-05:00

and i am not talking about being in mexico

i have a very long story to tell. it is my story. perhaps, however, it is not long at all. it is brief, by some accounts. i am but three and twenty years here, awake to this place. a great sum of these years has been served learning to understand, and only a handful spent trying to do just that.

i do not think i understand it all, but i have a feel just now that i understand things again.

i am writing this now to those of you who have met me. those of you who have seen me on my path as you have been on yours. i am full of thanks for knowing you, and that you know me.

please do not forget me, because i intend to leave for a while, or at the least be silent. i need to try to understand things; i need to write my story.

when it is ready, i will return.

keep me in your thoughts.

enjoy life.

why wait

2009-05-12T12:50:00.004-05:00

last friday i ate a bunch of salsa that had been opened about a year ago. it tasted great at the time, but next day i felt like i had a rock in my stomach every couple minutes. since then i've been feeling mostly fine, but that pain jumps back without notice.

last night around four i woke up and was able to sit around and think about my decision to ignore common sense for a while, mainly because i was finally passing the remains of the much too old dip.

they say good things come to those who wait, but i think i'm going to start disagreeing. maybe the idea is only applicable to things that don't spoil, but i've lost some big money waiting just a day or two this past year.

next chance you see, take it.

just for the sake

2009-05-11T17:28:00.002-05:00

we used to put out a publication on campus at the university i went to called the sake that was focused on getting out good ideas and words. sometimes it was just a matter of getting it out, not because the words were pressing, but for the sake of keeping things alive.

i've been thinking a lot of thoughts and doing a lot of things, but still not the heart to post these things here. i think it's the transition i am in.

maybe i'll say this again, hopefully not.
until then, keep living and enjoy it as much you can.

:find out what TED is and enjoy it:
:ride a bike more:
:get a library card if you don't have one:
:smile at strangers:
:learn a new language:
:read a few good books:
:buy presents for people for no reason:

:make highlights that are suggestions, rather than highlights:

back again

2009-05-06T14:09:00.002-05:00

So, for a while i've been on the DL with my computer randomly blue-screening every time i switch on wlan. to say the least, it has been a frustratingly free couple weeks. I do enjoy the freedom of not always being connected, but the change of pace left me with little to do.

i figured i give the old vaio another shot, and just as quickly as the internet was taken from me it was given again.

having missed enough to not want to recap, i'm just going to put it in the highlights.

so, until later, know that i am not dead, just in manhattan. . . kansas.

:there are to many videos here to link all i have open now:
:this is a cool idea, why is it not more popular:
:i'm now riding in this man's shoes (figurativley):
:there are so many things we need to improve:
:apparently my favorite cafe here is closed:

i've been catching up on lost

2009-04-30T12:27:00.002-05:00

i decided last night that it's good to be entertained, but only when that entertainment gets you thinking. only when that pause in action to enjoy things done by others rolls something around inside that spurs you on.

that being said, i don't know how good my time was yesterday. i watched over 400 minutes of LOST, and still have something like 200 to go to be back on track.

the oddest thing has been bouncing in my head from the time i spent focused on these characters' travels around the world and clock:

when hurley was hiding out at his parents, he told his mom the truth about what he'd been through, and she believed him. but before he got to that, she said something about sayid, about him killing people, that made me think till now.

she said," a good guy doesn't kill three men. a good guy doesn't kill any men."

but. . .

i've been trying to form my opinion on death and life for a while now, and i'm still not to a point of rest. i do stand, however, at a point where i cannot just accept life as good and death as bad.

i just heard a clip of this kid talking about what he believes. i've heard his whole essay before, but hearing it again made me think. he said that he believes death is not bad, but that killing people is.

i don't know what i believe about this.

hurleys mom also said, "the news thinks you did this, and if the news does everyone does."

that seems true, but it's another can.

any ideas?

the blue sweater .part four.

2009-04-28T16:10:00.003-05:00

so, like i said, being in the in-between right now has kept me from the blue sweater, but today has put me back into a swing.

now i'm three-quarters through the book. it seems to have turned into a treasure of stories from from rawanda pre- and post-genocide. if you're looking for some great basic stories from this event, especially focusing on women of influence, this book could be just your thing. although i would like to hear more of novogratz's experiences, the lessons she has learned by building an organization in rawanda before such a tramatic time, especially the ones she relays about her later visits, are unique to say the least.

she prefaces one story by saying:

a blade of grass, in time, can push its way through stone [. . .]

and looking back on the stories she is sharing, this line seems most applicable. these are stories of perservance; these are stories of hope.

sometimes i wonder if these are not the stories that can fuel all kinds of people to work past what stands in their way, little or great.

:i think i just saw our huge neighborhood cat; i hear he is mortal enemy of my dog:
:i found a log, and named him clever:
:do people need this help:
:i am looking for the perfect apple pie:

still here

2009-04-26T23:49:00.002-05:00

sometimes i wonder if it's the in between things we should be watching after more.

the past week has filled me up with them. got to thinking about things in between with my friend kasey over dinner talking about puns, and just now as i sat down to think about how long it's been since i've written here. truth be told, a lot was had in between my last post and this. not much over the book i've been reading, but that was almost expected.

i've watched a couple good films, thought some pretty big thoughts, and started dreaming some good things. i'll try to share them here in a while, but for i need to settle myself in before i get to any business.

anyway, i'm glad to be back in kansas. the rain came through today. i think i forgot what it's like to see a real thunder storm, hear the sirens howl (there just so happens to be one around the corner from our new house). it's good to be back.

till later.

the blue sweater :the pause:

2009-04-19T10:36:00.002-05:00

so, i haven't been keeping up with my desired schedule of reading, but that is just fine by me.

in thirty-six hours i will be on the way to berlin on the way home. so instead of giving you another lesson from a life lived well, i'm going to draw on what i have as my own.

for one of the first times in my life, i'm able to look at significant change without fear. it is a good feeling, to finally see life for what it is, accepting it as it is.

i was watching some of the kids running around playing as we were cooking out after church today. i found it interesting to watch their reactions to things. somebody takes the ball, and he starts to cry. his seat is gone when he comes back with some food, and he is upset. we don't want to play the same game she has in mind, and she starts calling the other kids names and takes the ball.

maybe i only had my open to things we would call negative, but that was what interested me. we build this idea of how things should be, and when we're surpriesed or dissapointed. somewhere along the line our head meets this wall enough that we realize things may not be changing. is it a resignation to something greater than ourselves? i don't know for sure.

i do know change is real, so why not just look forward to it?

the blue sweater .part two.

2009-04-17T03:08:00.003-05:00

this series could easily have a hundred parts or more, so i'll go ahead and boil the line down to this: check out the book; it is worth it.

i've been wondering the past ten minutes or so if my enthusiasm is based partly on receiving the book as a gift, an unexpected gift at that. i can say that i'll try to be objective in my reading, but i'm sure the fact that two guys who i respect from afar sent me this title to read has some effect on my outlook.

with that said, i really like the blue sweater. today's a rainy day (it's been pretty steady since 6 this morning as far as i can tell), so the first thought i had when i woke up was how perfect it was for me to read. the clouds actually make it a bit dark, but i'm happy.

jacqueline novogratz in one word may be best described as inspiring. her writing is smart, smooth and enjoyable, which makes her story even more the treat. and the story she is telling seems almost too good to be true. the little disclaimer on back of the title page that some things have been changed makes me wonder if it's like the horror flick sub line, "based on actual events," but i know that's not the case, which makes the read even better.

it actually reminds me of one of my last great reads, sent to me by a good friend.

of all the stories i could reflect upon in the first 4 chapters (of 21; i actually counted my tally) i want to just take one reflection on the times.

when jacqueline novogratz was in africa learning what it would mean for her to change the world, times were different than they are today. surely much was similar, but one thing that jumped oddly enough out to me was technology.

when she was in the heart of africa and wanted to connect back to home--if only to settle some parental (or probably personal) nerves--the price was $13 a minute for a poor telephone connection. outrageous. today we can talk in real time with clear video and sound for no more cost than the tools and the connection. we are at a serious advantage.

it's not just about saving money when saying hello to mom and dad. this is the power communication. within minutes or seconds--if not in real time--we can discuss anything with almost anyone the world over. the speed of this communication allows us to clear up mistakes and misunderstandings quicker than ever, and to move on from there to action. to certain extents, we are at the brink of the death of waiting.

of course our speed to convert communication to action rests largely on our own sholders, but this is the burden we can bear for sake of progress. very exciting.

(i just thought of a couple asides from this idea, but i'll spare you them for now. maybe to put them on your tongue: a rolling stone gathers no moss, but moss is good sometimes, and if we're rolling, is the only place to go from here downhill? AND with this power comes responsibility, just like spiderman)

so, i'm gonna get to the book before i lose time on this rainy day.

:another book i should be reading soon:
:i think i created a new temptation:

the blue sweater .part one.

2009-04-16T13:59:00.002-05:00

first of all, i'd like to thank sasha and seth. (sasha's post is actually very pertinent to this one) yesterday i got a book in the mail from them. what? a book from who?

about a month or so ago, the founder of acumen fund, jacqueline novogratz, put out a new book, the story of her work so far, and these two guys--who i are easily in my top 5 feeds right now--put out the opportunity to get a book on the condition that it be reviewed and spread. i figured i had no chance, but putting my name in the hat couldn't hurt.

yesterday, as i'm sifting through my things trying to practice pack (not a bad idea seeing as how i'm still not done), the book finds it's way to my hands. surprise, excitement, and a great cap to an already great day.

the blue sweater is great (so far). i'm only about a quarter of the way through it, so i'll give more impressions and a few ideas along the way, but i'd say for sure it's a good read. i'm still no fan of double linking, but this book is really a good read.

anyway, i'd rather not draw this post out, so i'll make you wait till tomorrow to get the first taste of the book from me. suffice it to say, it is sweet like honey and milk or vanilla ice cream and hefeweizen (tried that again the other day. still good. thanks dave).

:my computer is slow, maybe i should get a new one:
:aside from bird watching, i'm looking forward to biking this summer:
:third time's a charm:

apparently i can post per mobile or email

2009-04-15T03:21:00.005-05:00

neither of which will i do. . . yet.

i was talking with my friend from iran yesterday afternoon, and i began thinking about revolution. are the days of revolt gone? in no way could that be true. things may be different today, more connected, more watched, but they will always be the same.

when the british colonies decided to revolt against the throne and set themselves into a united group of states, they began a process that has shaped the world today in impressive ways. through this turn and that, they claimed their self-entitled destiny to the land from sea to shining sea. the americas have never been the same.

the people of france revolted, too, as did the people of russia, and those in china, and iran, and the story never stops.

every now and again, a people becomes dissatisfied with its leaders, and they should have the right and ability to change their circumstances. but what should be in the absence of their right? is the ability then sufficient? and what when both are lacking in those revolting but not in other parties?

looking to some times of change, the answer becomes one of time. the question then is not if an action is good or bad, but rather if it is favorable. of course, in any change there will be those opposed, but as long as they are kept in minority and swept clean. . .

perhaps some rules can be set, some principles met that could guide us to the rights and wrongs of change on any scale (personal as well as universal), but the only true test that will apply to all is that of time.

do well, and you are loved.
do poorly, and you are hated.

:i got a pen yesterday:
:i like the one with the planes:
:i need to start packing:

posture

2009-04-12T16:30:00.003-05:00

i have things i need to read and things i need to write, but i'm not doing either of those now, and i'm not sure when they will get done.

actually, to be quite honest i have not been exceptionally productive for a long time. every once in a while i think i know why. aside from an overwhelming lack of self-motivation, i have with me here in jena no real desk. if you may have had the fortune of chatting with me via skype, you probably know that i do my computing now from the bed. it is not optimal. my posture is not motivating.

maybe that's not it; i've had desks before and work was not always done, but i had less motivation then as well. now i have motivation, sans desk.

as are most of my observations, this is founded only on observation and a dose of logic: one's posture is important. 'nuf said? no? i remember one of my grade school teachers telling our class once how it was true. we learned, maybe it was in science, or perhaps p.e., that sitting with poor posture, while feeling slightly more comfortable now would in end effect cause us more future back pains than if we sat up straight.

i don't know how much i paid attention then, but the lesson stuck at least this last decade or so in my mind and re-minds me now and then to check my posture. and i think it's true, at least based on my current motivation.

so sit up straight, find yourself a desk, lest yee be stuck in the doldrums of listless internet wandering (as i am now).

:my next fav summer hobby:
:what i'll drive when i'm 79:

one week gone, two till i'm gone

2009-04-09T13:07:00.002-05:00

i wish g.reader had a pause button. after about a week of not checking, or at least not reading my feeds i have almost 1000 to catch up on. i intend to read some of them.

it was great to get away, but it's nice to be back into the daily routine of emails and reading.

yo, well, more to come. maybe i'll have a good thought tomorrow.

for now, know that i can german:

how do you make the u on a mac

2009-04-01T04:39:00.002-05:00

so i found my way to tubingen (no umlauts this post, because i'm not going to spend my time now figuring out how to do it on the computer i'm using).

first night i couch surfed with a pretty cool girl who is studying here. i was winging the whole thing, so i just sent a few messages out via the couch surfing network and within a couple hours my phone was blowing up. ends up there was another guy staying with her already, and what is really crazy is that he is really good friends with my younger sister's close friend from middle school. bizzare. he was cool, she was cool, and her friend who came over to hang out was cool. great night. thank you couch surfing and good people.

and meeting the people working here with cmf: global scope has been pretty good too. they are all really cool.

i guess in my two days, going on three here in tubingen so far i'd say the biggest lesson i've learned is the blessing of being a cool person. i'm sure it's fairly subjective, but being around people who are helpful, caring, fun, and interesting is really a treat. if it was chocolate, i'd be getting fat already.

so, be cool, because you never know who it will benefit.

no highlights or pictures for a while: i'm not using my computer right now for internet.

and away we go

2009-03-29T15:54:00.004-05:00

so, i was going to write this last thursday or friday, but somehow i forgot.

anyways, here i am in steinheim, on jascha's couch (i'm sure that means nothing to you, but it means something to me.) the weekend has been full. i was only a couple minutes off the train before jascha picked me up and we were on our way. then i met up with the pfadi's (sort of like german boy/girl scouts) and the youth group on the first night. it ended up being a loooong night, actually the past two days have been long, but great.

yesterday we worked a bit on the new church building. check it out, now i can sheet rock.
that was sweet, and by the end of the day, we ended up eating some pizza and playing some poker. we just changed our clocks over this weekend, so losing an hour was a bit rough, but since the church is still working on the new building here, they meet during the afternoons on sunday, so we got to sleep in a bit.

so that's just the first step of my ba-wü adventure. we'll see if part 2 and 3 get running updates.

some pictures from poker

go fly a kite

2009-03-23T11:35:00.012-05:00

here's a sample of the some facebook statuses (stati if you will. i will) i saw today:

Beth thinking the wind is a lot like Western Kansas... what kind of storm is this blowing in?
Rachel going to blow awayyyyyy.
Josh is attempting to live through the tornado in manhattan today.

Tony is excited and nervous all at the same time.

Brittney and away she blows.

so, it's no scientific study, and may not even be a particularly new idea to anyone who's lived in kansas, but the state seems to be windy. so why am i not hearing about this from my home state? i'll tell you why: because things in kansas aren't being talked about.

let's take a minute to just look at the kansas wind energy project website.

blah.

it's not that things aren't being done, it's that they aren't being shared. well, maybe it's also that they're not being done. check out this map of what's going on from the KsWEP. it's predominantly posted on their main page, but just after it loads you're hit with the almost overwhelming flood of red. ouch.

now, i've been interested in kansas wind for all about one hour, so in order to be fair i'll salt my opinion with the probability that i'm missing something, but it looks like we're beind the ball.

the talk saul griffith gave at ted was good not only in that it was addressing and offering an answer to a large global problem but also in its simplicity. sure it's not as easy as throwing into the air a plastic, dragon-shaped thing on strings your friend bought at wal-mart last week, but the idea is powerful and possible.

so why aren't we doing it, kansas?

more importantly, why aren't we doing it well?

(tony's status may not be about kansas being windy)

highlights:
stayed up till 2.30 watching this movie
if today's post gets you thinking

nivea cream

2009-03-22T16:37:00.004-05:00

i'm thinking of developing a habitual use of nivea cream. i'm starting by using it as a lip balm. it is smooth, soothing, and it smells good.

well, crap , i could swear i had more on my mind before i took that picture.
maybe it's the nivea kicking it already.

highlights:

words are ideas
maybe the next club i join
don't forget to check out the right side bar for other shared things

really stinking special

2009-03-21T17:27:00.003-05:00

that is not what what rss stands for. but what does it stand for? keeping in touch with all that cool crap around the world, that's what it stands for (and really simple syndication). if you are not using rss, figure it out and start being more productive.

here's a quick question and a couple highlights before i drift to sleepy-ville:

is it ok if i put my own blog in my google reader? it seems kind of illogical, but i realized today i'm not sure if this thing is carrying a solid flow of continuity, and i'd rather not click through old posts like a dumbo (plus that might jack with my statistics). second tied in question, how to rss feeds play into g.analytics??

ok, on to the highlights:

slow jam the news - aig
obama is a bad gifter
happy water day tomorrow
i'm still into birdwatching; i still need a guide

.jrs.

what am i serious about

2009-03-20T10:04:00.002-05:00

one - bird watching. it's important, and apparently electronic??

you think ebird is anything like email, or epaper. i do like both of those things. i actually looked at a handful of bird books today, but the best one was 25€, and it focused on european birds. i'll wait on that one a couple years.

if getting into enrique is questionable, maybe i'll check into henrique. subtle differences make the world go round. that one is actually true.

what else am is serious about? life. i think i'm moving towards the post-adolescent stage of the journey. go ahead and quote me on that one. go on, take your time. this will still be here when your done.

done yet? ok.

so now that i'm quoted and all, i think i just need to make a better website, sit back, and let the pieces fall into place all tetris like. i like tetris.

.jrs.

summer still

2009-03-19T11:58:00.002-05:00

ok, so it snowed a bit today. what does that make me want? well of course, it makes me want the summer. blah, blah, blah. summer, summer.

maybe a list is due, then? summer ideas:

swim

bird watching
fixing up vanilla
farmers market
reading
deciding the meaning of life
prepare to apply for grad school
get into enrique inglesias
hang out with good people
create recipes for:
beer
dessert
dinner
disaster

yeah, that seems good. it kind of looks like those flowers that pop out of the tubes in mario trying to bite at your little mario feet. maybe i should at that to the list.

.jrs.

summer

2009-03-18T16:43:00.002-05:00

as the days are getting longer, and the weather a little warmer, i can't help but long for summer yet again. i saw some bees out and about the other day, but the pollination hasn't it's way into a full green sprouting. . . yet.

i was looking at some farmers market info and some stuff on a website for vw owners, and i have to say, my summer plans are mounting.

any buddy or anybody in the ict this next season, give me a call as soon as i get a phone. i think it'll be an alltel number. . .

or until then reach me at jacobrstarkey at gmail dot com. i love the email.

.jrs.

frustration

2009-03-17T07:35:00.006-05:00

i took a walk yesterday morning and saw this really cool black bird with white feathers on his sides under his wings. maybe i'll start bird-watching. (when i told my friends that, they thought the first thing i thought, "how are you going to get a girlfriend if you are a bird watcher," but that's a whole 'nother part of my plan.)

maybe my first bits are off topic, but maybe not. so let's get to frustration, right?

i don't know if it was chubby buddha or skinny buddha who said it, but it was said that the path to enlightenment was to pretty much stop worrying about stuff, give up on that which will not happen. when i first started hearing this call to simplicity, to a middle way, i was pretty convinced. it seemed so pure, so true. but then now i wonder if the motive in general was right.

it goes back to the idea of wanting to get rid of pain and frustration. if that's your goal, then maybe you should run down to your local library and check out some books on buddhism.

but should that be your goal?

is frustration and pain really all bad? maybe not. as soon as i found out the pain in my knees meant i was growing, i welcomed it. i was a short kid growing up. i'm still towards the lower end of the height range. so when i finally learned that my aches were signs i was getting taller, i just waited for the restless nights, thinking they would never come.

sometimes the pain is our greatest ally. if my finger doesn't hurt when i cut myself cooking, i'm going to end up bleeding to death before i get to dessert (assuming i am also blind, can't taste blood, and am eating alone; ok the analogy is weak, but you get the point). if our pockets didn't start hurting now and we didn't start losing jobs, our broken system of people capitalizing on other people's stupidity or hard spot would have just kept running us into the ground.

pain is a sign that something is wrong. as much as i do agree with the buddha that we should be caring a lotta bit less about certain things, i do not think pain is our real problem. our real problem is what is causing the pain.

life's just not simple enough to boil down to a principle other than take everything as it is, try to compare it to other stuff you already understand, and make the best out of what you can. every situation is different. some are hard; some are easy.

but frustration is part of figuring it out, it's part of life. we can either take it as it is with a smile on our face and enjoy it, or piss through our time, never clear enough to be happy when the sun finally shines on us.

right?

.jrs.

SoC - i really like the smell of clean

2009-03-15T15:36:00.005-05:00

living with a family here in germany has it's perks. i haven't done my own laundry since i got here. so when i move back to the states here soon, i'm gonna need to buy some detergent. if you think you're clothes smell great when they're clean, go ahead and comment with your Soap of Choice.

ok, moving on.

i had a request the other day to pick up my now four or five year old prophecy for the royals, our baseball team up in kansas. for those of you not familiar, i've been saying after just about every game that the royals will not lose a single remaining game in the season: a perfect season from that point on. i usually reserved it for after a loss, using it as an inspiration in the face of defeat.

well, here it is: this being the 4oth anniversary of the team, the kansas city royals will not lose a single game, achieving the quite impossible, will be riddled with scandle due to accusations against the unimaginable feat, and will bring home another big trophy with a bunch of little flags on it and a bunch of jewelry.

it's gonna happen folks. prepared to witness history.

on a slightly related note, a friend of mine has got me thinking about buddhism again.

what do buddhism and the royals's most amazing achievement have in common? other than the color blue (i assume there are buddhists who like the color blue), it's all about expectations.

three years ago i was just about getting ready to come over to germany for the first time. most people who plan a 3 month internship set up some sort of list of goals or expectations, but i did not. people even asked me a couple times if the time had met my expectations, and i was quick to realize that they were not even there to be met. i just wanted to live, learn, try to understand what i met. in a way, that was an expectation in itself, but whatev.

two years ago i started reading more about the teachings of the late great buddha. i came to this:

that's about it. quit fighting for stuff that won't happen and you won't be frustrated. as long as that's what you're looking for. . .

ffwd - 2009, germany:
i am not a buddhist. i don't mind being frustrated. my take on the whole thing? smile a little more. why invest so much in winning and losing? why not just enjoy the entire thing, win or lose?

well, i'm sick of having long posts, so i'll grind this axe some other time. in the meantime, what do you think? do the royals have a chance? was the buddha searching in the right places? do your clothes smell really good?

.jrs.

spazieren - part 2

2009-03-13T10:11:00.002-05:00

check out part one on my journey of life if you want for a bit of background on my thinking.

i checked out this movement today for the states to get a bit more transportation friendly. it really got me thinking about my opinions on getting around. (i actually found this through GOOD, where i followed the link to write a letter to my representative in congress)

so, i've been here in jena, germany, for about half a year now, and i have to say i love it here. one of my favorite aspects of life here is that i walk just about everywhere. not only does it save a ton of money, it's also good for me. not just for my health, it is also so good for my mind. it takes me about 15 to 20 minutes to get anywhere i'm usually going around here (if it would take longer i'd probably hop on the S-bahn for a couple euros). taking the average day of walking to and from three or four places, that's about an hour or so of walking, sometimes a bit more aimlessly than others.

that's hundreds of kilometers, days and weeks worth of time that i've spent moving, not just my feet but also my mind. usually i walk alone, but sometime with friends. alone i'm singing songs (frustratingly good songs; i should buy a digital recorder), thinking through my faith (another reason for a recorder), sometimes telling myself stories or just enjoying the sound of the birds (i freaking love birds). together i talk about life and share experiences and ideas.

this is really something i think i'll miss when i move back. maybe i have the same opportunities to do these things while i'm driving, but something about being a bit tired when i arrive makes me feel more alive.

please check out the transportation for america stuff and see what you think. if you agree with it, do your bit and share your opinion with the people who are using the trillions of dollars we're dolling out to re-do our nation now. it's just one part of the change we were promised, but it's a part i really like.

.jrs.

unrelated topic - internet and information. check out this talk. it's shaping my idea of "doing your bit."

laugh a little

2009-03-12T14:24:00.001-05:00

need a break? go on over here and laugh a little.

i also got some ideas on taxes and such if you would rather talk about some serious stuff, but if not just go and have some fun.

.jrs.

why is it we like the worst things sometimes

2009-03-12T07:09:00.002-05:00

some movies you're not supposed to like. for me, it's the fast and the furious. i never saw (and do not plan to see) the second outing in the lineup, but i really liked the third, and they're at it again this summer. i'll probably go check it out, even if i have to fork over an hours worth of hard earned american dollars.

a smile always breaks across my face when i think of things like this. you know they're dumb, not worth much time, but for some reason you like them none the less. the taboo almost drives the interest in the end.

the mocking falls on deaf ears, because you are some how satisfied with what you already know is junk.

.jrs.

tournament of books

2009-03-09T11:50:00.002-05:00

if you have some cash money you'd like to share with some kids and like reading in general, i'd suggest checking out the mourning news and their tournament of books.

i stumbled upon it one night after i went on a little clicking spree while watching/getting board with coudal partners' layer tennis, and almost forgot about it till today. apparently, it's all about reading, dicking around, and raising some money to buy books for kids. sounds cool to me. i'd be more involvoed if i had the time and money to put into it, but just because i won't be more than a bystander this year that doesn't mean you might not want to get in the game.

either way, it looks cool.

.jrs.

i love using its way more than it's, but i don't get to often enough. that really has nothing to do with this post, i just wanted to share.

if i lost my glasses could you steal me another pair

2009-03-07T14:49:00.002-06:00

where do we get our eye's for beauty?

i've been thinking about the idea of familiarity recently. i was talking with a friend about. . . well i don't know what we were talking about, but he brought up the idea that a number of linguists and whatever form of pedagogues still question how people learn languages. my friend claimed that it's still a wonder to most how it all works.

i stood there for a second, and didn't reply because i have absolutely no data, no resources, nothing to back up what i think about this, but it seems to me that it all has to do with familiarity. we are around stuff, and we become familiar. everyone's talking or thinking a certain way, so we become familiar and join the conversation.

sure i could do the research. i could use the massive wealth of information that is at my fingertips, just a google search away, but i'm tired right now, and i'll probably forget to do it later. . .

but i wanted to write about it because of a couple videos i watched today just before my nap, which by the way was one of the best naps i can remember. i'm still tired even after the nap, but the nap was so good, giving me just enough energy to do this and probably go back to sleep.

anyways the videos (1 and 2). TED of course, these were musicians doing their things. the whole time as i was watching them and drifting slowly into bliss, i was wondering how i understood their beauty.

when did the music start to sound so sweet? was it always that way? have i just become familiar with what i've been told sounds good? check out that first one again. i was thinking the whole time there of a couple people who i am sure would not like it. they'd critique his style, "he's just banging on the keys, i don't get it." i could even see their faces, their brows all scrunched like they knew something about beauty and the way things should be that this guy was missing.

but it was beautiful, his passion, is work, or at least i thought so. the second video was much more marred by my sleepy eyes, so i'm watching it again, but it's great too.

if beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, where did i get these rose colored glasses?

.jrs.

hugs and kisses

2009-03-06T11:22:00.004-06:00

i saw one of those XO - one laptop per child laptops today. i actually saw two. i was walking through the mall today and saw a guy surfing the web with his little white and green toy. i thought, "oh cool! i've never actually seen one of those. but maybe this is more one laptop per young german man.

then i walked back by an hour or so later (the mall is a nice, short stretch i walk through just before the library) and an lady in what appeared to be her late forties was sitting next to him with her own OLPGA(german adult).

it kind of made me wonder if the whole thing is for real, or if they just sell cheap laptops with minimal features to a few people around the world. i mean i've always seen pictures of rooms full of kids all with one of these things in front of them, but i realized today that i was just taking the name of the product along with the picture without really digging into the story.

maybe it's more like 100 laptops per 3 kids.

but, that just sounds ridiculous, you may be thinking. yes, at first i thought so, too. but think about it more. these kids don't have much of anything. assuming 3 of them have 100 laptops, of course 97 of their closest friends--or maybe like 20 of thier closest friends, 25 of their cousins and younger relatives, 15 friends of their cousins and younger relatives, 17 kids from their small school, 9 older kids who usually pick on them but want to see the laptops, and a handful of other kids who happened to be walking buy and saw all the other kids playing with laptops--would all come by to check out their new toys.

im just saying, i've actually seen two of these things now, and no children where around.

.jrs.

i also saw a window filled with hanging, plastic easter eggs of various sizes.
neither of these things did i get a picture of because i forgot my memory stick in my computer.

i drempt of a cat

2009-03-06T04:59:00.002-06:00

drempt is not a word, but i will use it.

i think mike rowe's talk about what he learned while working with some sheep was probably on my mind when i was sleeping last night. it was a long dream, and like most it wasn't necessarily cohesive (in that characters and scenes changed dramatically and quickly while still keeping some sense to them).

at one point i was walking with someone around a house we were trying to find someone in when that person's cat started attacking us. it was a very aggressive, slightly fat, gray cat. it would jump at us with so much focus that it wasn't really moving like a cat, almost more like a dog. it missed us a coupled times, running past us into the bushes. then the guy i was with some how caught it and did something and the cat's body was now a long, thorny branch. it was strange enough to see, and it only made the crazy thing's attacks more fruitful because it could now scratch my legs as it ran by.

but the guy came home soon and the cat was all the sudden so still. the guy told us we had to watch were we stepped because the cat's land, so to speak, was strewn about the lawn. we could actually see it; it looked like a blue paint bucket was tossed back and forth. apparently as long as we didn't walk all over the cat's random, blue paint area, the cat would be a normal, friendly pet.

i don't think this is going to leave my mind very quickly, this idea of not understanding things and needing to evaluate my ideas of right and wrong.

so i was watching this video about some LDS girls and their ideas on getting married young. i'll embed the video, but i'd suggest checking out the site and some of the other video's. they're all short and starting points for some ideas or thoughts.

anyways, as i'm watching this video i get to thinking about these kids. we--and by we i mean the general public--have our own standards for how kids and people should develop, behave, and live. these people have slightly different ideas. where do we draw lines, or do we draw lines of right and wrong?

any ideas?

.jrs.

viva la vida

2009-03-04T13:35:00.003-06:00

great album, great idea

but back to my post on dreams yesterday.

if you didn't check out the page on GOOD, well. . . i don't really know what to say to you. why are you even reading this? i'm not trying to sound like your tenth grade trig teacher, but you need to make the time to get this stuff done.

jk, but seriously, if you didn't check it out for whatever reason here's the link _________ just click that line and do what you do when you find a cool site with a couple videos.

i could talk this or that about how i liked the interface, the possibilities, the hope for new or revived markets (hint to the newspapers who are going out of business: figure out that dream they showed of the paper about halfway through the 4th minute. i'd probably pay the normal subscription fee, and you don't even have to print the stuff. cha-ching.).

i could talk about the aspects of how people seem pretty isolated by the new technologies, maybe take up my axe against the cliché that everyone has less real contact despite our virtual world of fadacious (adj. that which has become a fad, such to the degree that it is overwhelmingly popular) social networking and connecting.

but i wanna look back to the future. check out that second video again. att had some trends they were selling. i missed that age; i was just coming of age, but everything they show in their ads seem so commonplace now that i have to give them a nod. well done.

now sure it wasn't all them. anyone today can see the tech trends and get ideas for how things are developing. anyone can put out some rendering of the next ten machine generations, and the stuff we have today makes it look even better, even more real than ever before. that's all just part of the dream.

but when i watch their "dream" i want to take the package and turn it on its side as i scoop my spoonful to my mouth and read a bit of the nutritional values. where is this stuff coming from that i'm living on?

it's an advertisement. it is marketing. they are selling us something. and in att's ad they kind of turn their cards a bit: "you will." as much of a phrase of hope, of possibility, it hits my ears also as a subtle command. never done this? well you will. because this is what we're making. this is what we're selling you. and you will like it. you will buy it. you will consume it, if it not you.

and maybe that's what microsoft's doing, although a bit more subtly. after all, i'm sure they're going to want to make those dreams and sell them to us to use.

now, i'm not crying out wolf against marketing. in fact, i like marketing. i like telling the stories and shaping things in new ways. sometimes it's working towards a better future. sometimes it's just new kids taking their grandma's playdough and building their own misshaped castle. still it's the circle of life, and i like it enough.

but as much as i love the dream, i think it's good for us to take a step back again, take a breath again, a look in the mirror and think a bit before we swallow the pills. its our future, too. maybe i'm just being a bit over obstinate here, but i don't like people telling me i will do something.

so check out the dreams again. see what you think, but keep a clear mind. open your window a bit if you have to, if only just to get the breeze and hear the birds reminding you your feet are still on the ground.

.jrs.

you know i don't post every day

2009-03-03T16:27:00.003-06:00

maybe if nokia would float me one of their new ~~phones~~ mobile devices, i could keep you at my fingertips.

ok let's rename this post: you may say i'm a dreamer

then my first line: but i'm not the only one.

hahaha.hahaha. (robot voice)

ok, ok, skip all that and lets get to the meat (if you're a vegetarian, sorry, i guess this just isn't for you).

sitting around the good old regulars table last night my friend annett brought up the idea again that she doesn't like sleep. to her it is a waste. i would have to say in some respects i agree, but then again i am a dreamer.

i've only really come to grips with my curious obsession over the past few weeks. i have always had a hard time waking up, or more accurately out of bed. without a plan or schedule, i usually sleep well into the morning. even though i am getting a bit better, i still love to sleep.

i think for me it is because i remember my dreams so well. i don't always hold on to them very long, but they're vivid and captivating. so when i'm given the chance to sleep perchance to dream or snap back to reality, my choice is easy to see.

and when given the chance to dream while i'm awake it's like giving a fat girl a ferrero rocher.
and when that dream is all so near, like the taste you get in your mouth when your buddy is grilling some bratwurst but they still won't really be ready for another couple minutes, and you already tried the patato salad, why won't his girlfriend let you have more? it's so good. . .

anyway, when the dream is so close you can taste it you might as well just put it in a little plastic bear because it's sweeet like honey.

i thought i wasn't going to have much to do after 10 tonight, maybe i'd slip into bed and try my luck at some dreaming, but the dream came to me. GOOD put together this shot of what microsoft is dreaming, and i loved it.

maybe you remember how microsoft has treated you. repeatedly bitten, reasonably shy? well i tell you, let the people dream. seriously, i don't like the double link, but i'm linking this again so you can get a chance to go to the GOOD article and check it out.

anyways, i like the dream, and because it is late i'll just leave it at that and give another thought on the subject tomorrow.

.jrs.

oh and this:

last year was a leap year

2009-03-01T09:55:00.003-06:00

do people with birthday's today secretly hate leap years because they have to wait longer? or do they realize that the other guys have been waiting four years to get their cake?

i really don't have much else.

welcome to the march.

take a look at that you pompous windbag

2009-02-19T16:43:00.002-06:00

how do we sustain our dreams?

well, we have to start by remembering them.

[this is where i was going to explain how i think we can actually grasp the keys to our future, but i think i'll save that for later]

what does it mean for us as humanity to remember our dreams? surely everybody has his or her own individual dream, but opening up a sweet pub in portland probably isn't the cheif goal of our race, or is it? and because our dreams are so diverse, we have to come together to create this global consciousness we all assume already exists.

sorry to be the sticky finger that busts the bubble, but we are not there yet. we are still strides from being unified in thought and goals, even though we have done well to recognize it the path we need to be on. so i guess the first step is done. we're moving all the time further from the worlds depicted to us in our high school reading material, but we haven't fully written the new works yet.

so, let's keep dreaming world, let us keep dreaming and i will keep figuring out what it takes to make our dreams come true.

.jrs.